Acceptance
by snipsa
Summary: John needs to write a letter to somebody before he can move on with his life..


Disclaimer – These characters are in no way mine, I'm only using them for my own pleasure. They do belong to the good people of WB and, well a bunch of other people that I can't remember now. Please don't sue, it's just… not… worth… it!

A/N – A bit more angst than I'm used to, but I hope it's okay, please let me know what you think.

Summary – Carter needs to write a letter before he moves on with Kem.

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**Acceptance**

Hi mom,

Well since I have no idea where on this planet you are at the moment I decided a letter would be the best way of informing you that I'm leaving Chicago. I'm going to give my relationship with Kem another go. We're leaving for the Congo this Friday and would thus already be gone by the time you receive this.

I know what you're thinking: "It's yet another mistake, in a long line of mistakes…" Don't try to deny it, I know you and I know what you think of me. You've never been able to accept the fact that I wanted to become a doctor, that I didn't take my rightful place in the family business. I'm sorry mom, I'm not Bobby, I wish you could see that.

I'm John Truman Carter, your other son, the one who's alive today, no thanks to you. That sounds cruel, I know, but it's the way it is. You NEVER spoke to me about anything other than money and the family business. The only reason you would sometimes fain interest in my love life was to make sure that she wouldn't tarnish the family name.

I lost someone I cared for dearly on the same night I almost lost my life, and you didn't give a damn! You didn't even visit me! I was in the worst part of my life, and you were nowhere to be found! I wasn't dead, so you didn't care. You only cared about Bobby, the son that weren't here anymore.

Oh, but as soon as news came out about my drug problem, there you guys were, trying to put out the flames. ASHAMED of what I had done to the family name. Do you have any idea what that did to me? You showed me no love, only resentment, I was in a dark place and I got no love from the people who's supposed to care the most, and still I seeked approval. Well guess what, I'm done with that!

Why do you think Barbara moved away? She was the first to tire of always seeking your approval and realized that she didn't need it. She knew what she was capable of and had no intention of letting you ruin it for her

Oh by the way, I was offered a tender. I'm writing it on AIDS and the affects it has on different communities, I have to DO something mom, something other than just donating my grandparents money. Money isn't everything, I realized that a long time ago…

So I'm going to one of the most volatile places on this earth to try and do my part, it's not much but every little bit helps, you know? I'm not going there to try to get myself killed, I know that's what you thought the last time, but it's not why I'm going. If you saw what I did, you'd understand, the impact those people had on my life, I just can't sit here in an air-conditioned room knowing what those poor souls are experiencing. I hope you'd be proud of me, but I'm not holding my breath.

About Kem, I love her mom, you should know that, I'm going to marry that woman. We've been through the worst thing a parent could possibly go through, but we've come out stronger for it. We're going to try again, I want a child, to show him or her the love that I couldn't show Joshua. Even so, I won't want him or her to BE Joshua, he was a unique individual, just like the next baby will be. You can't compare them, no matter how hard you try…

So I'm leaving, I've already told dad, he actually said he loved me, can you believe that. I can only remember him saying those words three times in my life, when Bobby died, when Joshua died, and now. It felt good you know…

I'd want you to know one thing, contrary to everything I've already written in this letter. I don't blame you. I know you tried your best, but you just weren't ready to look after a son, I guess it was guilt for the fact that you couldn't look after Bobby. Well I don't want you to blame yourself for the way I turned out, I'm doing okay mom, really, and please mom, don't blame yourself for Bobby. If there's one thing I've learned the past eleven years it's that you can't do anything about fate. It was his time, no matter how hard it is to accept, you have to realize that. Cancer is a terrible thing, a monster, but you've got to get over it, you can't let it keep eating away at you. Otherwise that cancer could just as well have killed you too.

I can understand it a lot better now, the pain you had felt, but you can't let it overwhelm you this way, not for as long as it has. You have to find another reason to live. Bobby would have wanted it that way, just as Joshua would want the same for me…

Well, that's it I guess. I hope you understand that I didn't write this to hurt you, it needed to be said a long time ago, I just never had the right words. I guess, in a way I still don't.

But something I do know is that I'd like us to be closer, to know what's going on in each other's lives, please don't push me away anymore. This isn't looking for approval, I know what I'm doing is the right thing, I guess it's that I'm looking for a relationship with my family. Something I've never had…

I love you mom,

John


End file.
